Aftershocks
by thevigilante15
Summary: The aftermath of "Wilson's Heart" and it's toll on House. Will he survive with Cuddy by his side? Huddy angst
1. Chapter 1

Aftershocks

**Aftershocks**

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. **

**So wow what a season finale huh? I was way off…**

**Anyway this story takes place after we see House and Cuddy holding hands. Angst pursues…Huddy…Italics are their thoughts.**

* * *

He sees her _feels her _holding his hand. "I'm here" she whispered his ears nearly failing him as sleep overwhelmed his dying body. _I need to speak…_

"I…" Cuddy hushed him like soothing a child. _A child…you would have made a great mother, Cuddy._

"There is no need to speak. I'm here. I'm here." _She's here; she keeps repeating this_ _mantra... I won't forget…stay with me…I can't be alone……_

Cuddy watched House relax under her comforting words and try to welcome the fatigue that was so greatly desired. She brushed her slender fingers through his matted hair Sweat and blood had made their home within his veins. _Too many swell within_ _one….the_ _dam will break soon_… Her hand ran gently over his features taking in their lines, worn and old…_before his time_…He stirred softly at her touch…_welcoming it…embracing_ _it….He wants this_…Cuddy bit her lip. Her hand found his and clasped it tightly, reveling in it. _Enjoy this moment, for it may be the last._

Keeping her hand in his, Cuddy sat in the chair next to her patient…_friend _and closed her eyes accepting the certainty of this one moment. House was safe in her hand if just for one moment.

* * *

House's sleep was fitful at best. His already deeply damaged brain ached for solace. He could still see flashes of Amber, broken and bloody. The only moment that gave him peace was the radiant glow she offered to him…_such honesty….I deserve the hate….God_ _so much hate….from him …from within_…

In his dreams he could see wilting roses and unopened bottles of sherry lined in a row. _Too much to take in…._His feet could feel the grass beneath and the pain of shattered glass. He was walking a fine line of life…_a line we all have to access at some point_. He felt his hospital gown blowing…_unseen wind….maybe it brings needed redemption…. I am so tired. _

House continued to walk on wishing _yearning_ to know if his decision was right. To live should not have to be a decision left for someone to make. _It is bestowed not earned…. In my case it was bartered in return for another one too many times…_

He bent down to pick at the flowers around the amber colored sun. He closed his eyes…_Amber…her name will never be forgotten on his mind or lips_.

At her name, he stirred briefly from his slumber. His eyes took a moment to adjust to his surroundings. Cuddy by my side…_always… Wilson_? House looked to the glass. A face was staring back at him. Another hallucination or a long lost friend? House saw the sadness and grief etched in this face. _Once a face that saw me and my antics…now sees_ _through me as if I don't exist….he doesn't want me to exist… _

_I wish I could call to him and tell him how sorry I am... how…_

_**I wish it were me instead. **_

House watches his friend turn to go leaving him alone. Song lyrics rush to House's head…_a baby sleeps in all our bones….makes me scared to be alone…._

_Alone…._

He feels a hand grip his tenderly, achingly…_gentle squeezes in her sleep to let me know I am not alone… hold me…._

Cuddy felt the change …_it whispered in her bones_. She opened her eyes. _He is still_ _holding my hand_. She noticed his face staring off at the wall. Cuddy pulled herself out of the chair never once letting go. House felt the shift but did not make eye contact. _Self loathing has given birth to self pity…_

"House?"

He knew in his heart that he should at least look at her. She had been through just as much as any of them had. Only a day ago, she had brought him back to life by breathing into his dying lungs. _She once saved me with her lips…now she saves me with her hand._

"Can you hear me?"

House blinked once. _I need to hear your voice Cuddy…I need to hear my own…_

"Cuddy…" it was raspy and broken but a beautiful sound nonetheless to her ears. The tears she had blinked back to be strong for him and for herself were weakened by one name. _One word holds so much power…_

"It's me." _I can barely speak myself._

_His eyes…beautiful and blue speak volumes in themselves. Slight trembles and uncertainties mixed with tears. I am weak in the knees at the sight of him…._

"Please…" Cuddy sits down on his bed ever so gently, taking in House's plea. She wants this too. With careful moment on her part, she leans into his chest feeling the rhythm of a beating life.

House wrapped his arm around her shoulders holding her as close as he possibly could. She was all he had left.

**

* * *

**

Do you like it? Should I continue or not? Please review and let me know! Mentioned song lyrics belong to the wonderful song in "Wilson's Heart" called

_**Passing Afternoon**_** by Iron and Wine**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**A/N Please read! It has come to my attention that without meaning to I had spoiled some of you with my original summary. While I am happy to have it brought to my attention the way in which it was done (cursing me out) was not appropriate. Constructive criticism is always welcomed but there is no need to resort to foul language. For anyone whom I had ruined anything for I am truly sorry. Please accept my apologies. It was never my intention just an oversight on my part . On another note…. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. Characters' thoughts are in italics. To everyone else besides the one comment….You guys are awesome! Thanks for the encouraging words! I must admit the music from House is truly inspiring. Spoilers for Hosue's Head and Wilson's Heart! Enjoy!**

_

* * *

_

3 Days

…

It took 3 days for House to fade in and out of consciousness. Cuddy's heart was breaking into tiny pieces. Each breath for House she thought would be his last. She would watch his chest heave as his lungs craved for the air each one of them took for granted. Then…it would stop as if the effort became too much to bear. Cuddy knew she would do anything to keep him alive if even for one more day.

Wilson hadn't visited once. Cuddy called him to see how he was. "Fine" was the usual response to her inquires. His grief was fading in the background consumed by an intense anger…in words and deeds…._Wilson is becoming as lost as House is and always was. _

Cuddy waited each day internally begging for House to be free of his self contained torture cell. Finally after days, her prayer had been answered but another one was forgotten.

"Take me home, please." He could still barely speak. Cuddy wasn't used to the silence that accompanied her in the car that day. He sat gingerly, as if leaving the womb of the hospital room would shatter him. House looked out the window as if reading her thoughts. _Nothing left to shatter, Cuddy…_

When the car pulled onto the street, House got out and began to walk away. Cuddy hesitantly urged her arm to intertwine with his. House seemed surprised at the touch but didn't refuse it. She helped him to his door and to the couch which welcomed him like a long lost lover. He felt the warmth and familiarity of it curve to his body. Tired eyes and weary legs rested on the coffee table. With the nearby flick of the remote, House was lost in another way…distant. Cuddy sat down next to him fearing the repercussions of her actions. There were no outbursts no words…nothing. Her eyes filled with unshed tears. _Nothing is worse than something._

The two sat in silence until one of them spoke.

"Why are you here?"

_There was no immediate answer for this other than the obvious, but maybe he needs to hear it. Maybe he truly doesn't know._

"Because…I like you." She wished she could take the words back as soon as she spoke them. She sounded like a schoolgirl with a crush. _Pick someone you like he had said once. It was always you._

"You needed a friend."

House seemed to accept the answers without really hearing them. _A friend…why me?_

"Why are you my friend?" _There was so much in those words. So many questions wrapped neatly in one. A child craving acceptance in a cruel, cruel world… _

House patiently waited for Cuddy to answer, a part of him begging her not to. _I do not want to be pitied, but it seems it is what I have resorted to. _

"Why do you think?"

House this time was the one without an answer. Too much time had challenged his notion of what a friend is and the lines were often blurred: _friend… lover… boss…what was Cuddy? God only knows. _

House rubbed his hand massaging his temples. "I need to sleep."

Cuddy knew that was her invitation to leave. She should have. It was better…safer that way. No strings….no need to comply, but he was her friend… _maybe more…_

"OK."

He watched her, gauging her reaction. She stood up but wasn't leaving. House followed suite. Losing his balance, he nearly fell into Cuddy who caught him . Their eyes met. _I can't look at her…not now…_

"There are blankets in the hallway closet if you need them." Cuddy smiled. _He is accepting that some things are out of his control…_

"Thank you." His eyes briefly greeted hers before retreating to the bedroom alone. They said it all. _Thank you._

**

* * *

**

Hope you like it. It might seem a bit OOC for House but I think that after House's Head and Wilson's Heart he is so vulnerable right now. He needs to connect. I hope I am portraying that in the right way. Please review and let me know if you like it enough for me to continue. Thank you again!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. No money being made.**

_

* * *

_

He dreams

…

Dreams of past lovers embracing him caring for him…_loved me for who I was not for who I would become…._

He dreamt of a father drowning his own sorrows into his son's veins like ice water…He shivered at the memory.

The dreams were fragmented and torturous…_deserving…_.he gave into them all accepting his fate…._I cannot control this…cannot control anything anymore….where is the meaning?_

Pain shot through his leg causing even his subconscious to gasp in agony. _Vicodin was my salvation once…now…._

House slowly opened his eyes. Sweat poured down into his eyes…._stinging…aching…._

He reached out one hand to the clock that rested on his nightstand. Time says 2 am. _Time… time….too much time….not enough to pass me by…._

House rolled over onto his back, sighing as he gazed toward the ceiling one arm behind his head. Sleep would not be coming easily to him anytime soon. With strangled breaths and a feeble sweep of the legs, House's feet landed with a gentle thud on his bedroom floor. Reaching out blindly, he began to follow the faint light that he could see coming from the living room. _Cuddy…_

House limped each step… _each step_….closer to her. He felt the pounding out of chest as he rubbed a hand over his weakened heart. _Cuddy_…

He sat down next to her on the couch. Simply sitting…taking in her beauty sleeping ….life…._life in my sanctuary…how long has it been since life was here? How long since I took notice?_

House reached out a tentative hand to brush a strain of dark hair away from her eyes. Flashbacks of fateful visions…_nightmares_….reminded him of reality… She murmured, trembled and seemed at peace. _Peace I am envy of…_

House continued to stroke her cheek. _I can't do this…I can't wake her_….He released the realization he had been holding…_like the spare coin in my back pocket of abandoned dreams…. _

He resigned to holding her hand as he slept by her side.

* * *

Cuddy awoke to a soft squeeze of folded flesh…_hand in hand…_

She sat up not relinquishing her hold on House. _I could stay like this forever….but_ _forever has to end_. She looked at her watch. _Today is the day. Reality and illusion make their stand._

House stirred sensing the coming of the fall. _A violent fall trembling….taking me…._

He opened his eyes and looked to Cuddy. _Waiting…_

"Today's the funeral."

House wished, would have sold his soul …_if I still had one_…for it to have passed him by…_another nightmare to kiss me goodnight_.

Cuddy waited. _Silence._

"I think you should go."

Nothing. _Nothing to say._

House released Cuddy's hand. At that admission, Cuddy allowed a single tear to fall.

"I'll go alone."

_Alone…_

_Can't be alone…need her…_

"Wait."

One word…House disappeared to get ready to face his demons.

House wished he knew how he got to the Church. He wasn't sure if it was the skull fracture or the brain's shut down of painful reality that caused him to be blank, but whatever the case may be, it was what it was.

The church itself was a massive design of sinners and saints intertwined…_much like life…._

The saints were the redeemers of the darkness that were concocted in the sliver of brightly colored windows. _Glass so fragile yet its strength is what binds this church together…_

"House?"

Cuddy nodded. He knew that she wanted to go up to the front to see Wilson. He tried to follow, stumbling along the way.

Wilson knelt in the wooden pew. His body ached, his soul was dead. He had lost everything that made his life meaningful and memorable. _I have no memories of this life to keep…._

He felt a presence invading his grief. He looked up into kind face of an old friend.

"Cuddy."

He reached into her warm embrace. _Never let go…_

"Thank you for coming."

Cuddy smiled…_so sad_… "I'm not alone."

Wilson's face fell as he noticed House not too far behind. "Why did you bring him?"

Cuddy felt like an invader. She dropped her eyes to the tile floor. "I thought it would be good for …"

"Who, for him? It's certainly not good for me." He took a shaking hand to cover his eyes. _Damn her_…

"Go."

Cuddy released her unshed tears. "Wilson…"

Wilson met her eyes and repeated. "Go." He looked to House whose blue stood unwavering…_begging for forgiveness_… "It's clear you made your choice."

"It's not about…."

Wilson closed his eyes and turned to leave. Cuddy bit her lip and finding herself staring in lost blue eyes.

_It's not fair._ House wished. Cuddy took his arm as he gazed into her soft features. _You've made your choice Wilson said_….He looked to her bare hand. _Even though you've lost your wedding ring…._

**

* * *

**

What do you think? I hope not too sappy or anything since it happens in their heads who knows what they are thinking right? The last line was also from Passing Afternoon by Iron and Wine. I noticed in the last scene where Cuddy was sleeping next to House that line is being played. It is almost as if they are married sometimes…anyway just an observation. Love to know your thoughts. Please review? Please??


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own House.**

_

* * *

_

It has been 5 days since the funeral…

House was alone again. Cuddy had begun to go back to work starting the day after the funeral much to her own dismay. House insisted that he could do simple things for himself like make a sandwich and go to the bathroom. Cuddy felt her heartstrings constrict…_he doesn't want me anymore…_

House nudged her out the door firmly but gently reassuring her he wasn't

going anywhere. That was what bothered her the most.

Here he was again sitting on the floor of his apartment staring numbly at the wall. This is what he had been doing for the past several days whenever Cuddy would leave. There were times he thought he heard her talking to him but realized he was hallucinating. _Don't tell Cuddy…_

Today was no different. The throbbing in his thigh had returned in full force. The epiphany of the concoctions coursing through his body had finally departed leaving him breathless and in agony. Yet….yet he refused medications. He was slowly detoxing. _Maybe Cuddy would notice soon_. He prayed she wouldn't. A few more days of unbearable agony would ease the gaping hole of guilt in his heart. He closed his blue eyes as sweat poured down his features. He gripped his leg rubbing it in circles concentrating on the pain. _Vicodin is my curse….I need my pain…._

Between the struggles for air and his slowing heartbeat, House opened one eye to see his surroundings. Before him was a bottle of Jack Daniels. House hadn't had a drink since the day of the accident and Cuddy doesn't drink it…. House picked it up. _Brand new….still sealed….pure…..sweet_….His hand gripped the bottle tighter before swinging it as hard as he could and watched it shatter against the wall. The sight of flying glass pleased House's eyes. He looked again to the coffee table only to see another bottle in its place. With a greater force he threw it till it joined its brethren. Bottle after bottle made their way to the wall till the overwhelming stench of alcohol dulled his senses and tightened his chest. _A mess…Cuddy…_

House did his best to stagger toward the disaster he had created but to no avail. The glass was gone leaving only the aroma of Jack lingering. House began to dig his fingernails into the wood floor trying desperately to find the glass and cover his sin_. It lingers on as my fingers bleed…_

Lost in his own world, House didn't hear the door open.

"Hey, I thought I would take a half day since…"

Cuddy looked around the floor till she heard scratching. "House?"

"I'm sorry…I'll get it just give me a minute…"

Cuddy looked down at her charge. He was prostrate to the floor. _What is he clawing at?_

"House stop."

He refused. Cuddy pulled his hands toward her as his body heaved to the floor. His nails were covered in blood and his body glistened in sweat.

"Oh my God…"

House looked into her eyes_. So disappointed in me again…_

"I didn't want to drink them. That's why I threw them but…you would have …the glass…"

He was making no sense. Cuddy glanced around the room. The first thing she had done was dispose of the alcohol over a week ago. The bottles House was seeing were in his head. _Hallucinations are back…_

"House, there is no alcohol. It was a hallucination."

House refused to accept it. "No, it was so…"

"Real?"

Cuddy bit her lower lip as tears flowed from her eyes.

"Yeah, I know." She took in his face, drawn, tired, _detoxing_… "Come here."

House sat up and allowed himself to fall into her welcoming embrace. _God her arms feel so good. Is she real?_

He closed his eyes and took in her scent. _I hope she is_…

Cuddy continued to hold onto him. _House…._

She stroked his back until she felt arms return the embrace.

The two rocked back and forth on the ground. Cuddy couldn't hold back her tears. She sobbed with him and for him. _House was gone. This man was a shell of House, blue eyes and all. We need to get him back. _

Cuddy pulled away. "When was the last time you had a Vicodin?" House shook his head. "No, pills."

Cuddy frowned. "You're in pain. Since when don't you want pills?" Then flashes of realization came…_the accident…his leg, pills alcohol…too drunk…pain caused death…_

"If you want to kill yourself then you will have to do it on your time, not mine." She wiped tears from her eyes…_firm but necessary._

"I am taking you somewhere today and for that you need your medicine and this." She produced his cane. House didn't realize it was behind her back. He glared at it. He hadn't touched it since he realized that was the reason, the purpose…_Amber… _

House grabbed the cane from her hand throwing it against the wall. _A wooden rod in my gilded cage…_

"No." He spat the word out. Cuddy wasn't backing down.

"You need this. Besides I'm not always going to be there." House met her blue eyes. _She doesn't want me anymore…_

"Fine. I'll be fine on my own."

Cuddy's jaw dropped. "That's not what I meant… I meant….you need to get back some kind of normalcy. "

House laughed out loud. It was a cold laugh….empty. "Normal? Oh yeah, popping Vicodin like tic-tacs is normal for me I guess…"

Cuddy grabbed hold of his arms. House froze. She slipped two white pills into hand. "Take them. We're going out."

House refused to look away. _The power play is at hand…_

He dry swallowed the pills letting his hand linger over his mouth as the sweetness traveled down to his toes. He closed his eyes and allowed the tingling to embrace him. He barely registered Cuddy's hand on his cheek at first, but felt his lips tug at the corners in defeat. _I am weak…_

She smiled taking his compliance as a good thing. _Today is the day we try to get Gregory House back…. _

**

* * *

**

Hope you liked. Sorry I not get to post sooner. A lot going on this weekend! Anyone want to guess where the two will be going? Reviews please??


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. **

**A/N Sorry I took so long. A lot going on here! Both sides Now sung by Haley Westerna a great inspirational song for this cahpter!!**

* * *

House sighed as he stared out the windowpane wishing he was anywhere else but in his own mind. _Still seeing sherry bottles Cuddy_…

He began to rub his thigh absentmindedly watching the trees blur in the glass. Cuddy turned an eye to her passenger. She noticed him catering to his leg. _He doesn't seem aware. Is that a good or bad thing?_

"Almost there, House." There was no response. "Aren't you the least bit curious as to where we're going? For someone whose soul existence for the most part anyway has been to solve puzzles, you seem rather reluctant to solve the one right in front of you."

House stopped rubbing his leg and took a deep look into Cuddy's face. She had turned her attention back to the road which was probably a good thing. House didn't want her to see his heart on his sleeve. _Is she implying something in that statement or has my cynical nature paved a path for hope?_

_Didn't matter_. He turned his attention to the clearing before him as the car slowed its pace.

"Here we are."

House rolled down the window and gazed up at the clouds above him. _Might as well as get it over with…_

He opened the door to see Cuddy waited patiently for him to get out. In her one hand was his cane which she graciously offered for him to take. _Confining me to my feet…_

"So, Cuddles," _he is trying to make a joke_, "why are we here again?"

Cuddy tried not to convey too much joy at hearing him call her Cuddles as she replied. "I thought it would be a good idea for you to get out of the apartment for awhile. It was such a beautiful day…"

"You decided to play hooky today to be with me?"

Cuddy felt the heat rise quickly to her face. "Yes, "she whispered.

House nodded. "Kewl."

* * *

The two had walked for nearly 30 minutes, mostly in silence fearing what the other might have to say or didn't say for that matter.

The time finally came when House could no longer stand on his own two feet. He had been pushed to his limit today. It was enough in more ways than one, yet…and yet he found no desire to leave her side. It was nice to know she had chosen him over work. _Nice to have someone chose me over anything: whether it be principles, anger, fear…._

The two sat under an oak tree for some shade as Cuddy reached into her handbag and produced two water bottles. House seized his eagerly nearly downing it in one gulp. Cuddy opened hers and sipped it slowly watching him all the while. The sweat glistened on his features making his piercing blue eyes stand out even more. Cuddy's reverie was broken as she heard House clear his throat.

"Anything on my face? The way you keep staring at me I assume there must be unless…." He pretended to be embarrassed. "You like me don't you?"

Cuddy shook her head. Plausible deniability… "Course not. I told you before…"

"Yeah, something about ships sinking or what not, but there's no other reason why you would be here instead of with your baby unless you like me. "

"What's with the twenty questions…?"

"I thought you wanted me to figure out the puzzle."

"I meant where we were going…"

House smiled. _She left it wide open_…"I _**am **_trying to figure out where we're going."

Cuddy realized he was speaking of something completely different. "I…I mean…"

House chuckled. _She's not ready yet_…"Got you!"

Cuddy 's eyes softened as she tried to relax. _He was joking…of course he was joking…_

"You are insufferable."

House nodded. "Maybe, but you love me." With that he grabbed her hand and gazed up at the passing illusions in the sky leaving Cuddy to enjoy the moment.

* * *

The ride back was a peaceful one. They stayed for quite awhile like that until House began to yawn and Cuddy knew the moment was passing.

"Time to go."

House nodded barely able to make it to the car before crashing into the plush seats and snuggling against the glass pane. Cuddy wondered how she was going to get him into the apartment alone when she heard him murmuring.

"Don't want to be miserable….hate me…"

Cuddy's eyes filled with tears. _Change of plans…_

Cuddy pulled into her driveway shortly as the dusk began to settle in the Jersey skies. She sighed and looked to her companion. "House."

She shook his shoulder gently. "We're home." House blinked his eyes clearly the haze it left but found it difficult to stay awake.

"I will help you inside and then you can fall right back asleep Ok?" House nodded. _Sleep….dreams….no…_

He began to shake his head vehemently. "No, I'm fine..."

Cuddy pushed him up with one arm while trying to unlock the door with the other. "You are not fine. You need your rest."

He closed his eyes dragging his feet across the unfamiliar floor. "Not alone."

Cuddy ran a finger along his jaw line. "You're not alone."

The two fell asleep in each other's arms on Cuddy's bed in a dreamless sleep.

**

* * *

**

Hope not too out of character for House, but remember this is vulnerable House for the time being! Please review! You guys are great! Thanks so much!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! It makes my day. Please keep them up so I know whether or not to continue!**

**Note: words in bold italics are House's thoughts during his dream.**

* * *

He begins to dream….

_Blue eyes stare intently on the ceiling. He knows he is in Cuddy's house, in her bed…with Cuddy. He steals a look in her direction. He brushes a lock of curls away from her furrowed brow. She seemed distant and lost in herself. House found his fingers dancing along her bare arm. __**So troubled….for who?….me?**_

_Greg House smirked at the thought that anyone would be concerned for him. Pity was not something he entertained for anyone especially for himself, yet these past days he found himself latching onto it…__**suckling it like a leech. Pity is not who I want to become**__. _

"_Then don't." _

_House lifted his head to the direction of the voice. It was familiar and hardened. __**Wilson.**_

"_How did you get…?" House blinked rapidly. __**I must be dreaming …or hallucinating again.**_

"_Doesn't matter. I will always be here now." His deep brown eyes mocked Greg's. __**Watching me…testing me….waiting for the final fall…**_

"_I'm sorry." __**I can barely speak….**_

"_Doesn't matter. Can't change anything with platitudes."_

_House grimaced at his own dream. __**I am mocking myself from within now….**_

"_Things will get better." _

_Wilson seemed to absorb the information as he looked to Cuddy snuggled up to House's chest so peaceful…so alive…._

"_Maybe for you. Not for me." House felt the air in the room chill his blood at the words._

"_If I could do it over again…." Wilson finished, "You would do it exactly the same…" _

_House knew that had been said before. __**Capturing the recesses of my mind… **_

"_No. I would do it differently. Please believe me." __**I am begging all the while gripping Cuddy's sleeping shoulder for support.**_

_Wilson began to approach from the foot of the bed and House felt his body tingling in fear. Wilson was beginning to not look like Wilson anymore. _

"_You don't deserve her." House glanced briefly at the creature in his arms. Her beauty shone even brighter as if the angels themselves surrounded her. _

"_I know."_

_Wilson smirked at the whispered confession. _

"_I am glad you realize that now, Gregory because it would hurt a hell of a lot more if you got to close to someone who was too good for you only to fail miserably."_

_That tone…_

_Greg looked into Wilson's eyes, but Wilson was no longer Wilson__**. Dad…**_

_House's heart beat faster…anticipating the worst possible scenario. _

"_You can't hurt me anymore."_

_John House sneered down at his son's small withered form. "I can always hurt you."_

* * *

House shot up in the bed, sheets soaked through with sweet…_maybe urine_…. _I feel like I need to throw up…._

He had momentarily forgotten Cuddy's sleeping form next to his. She was lying on her side away from him. House breathed a sigh of relief. _Don't want to wake her_…. He glanced down at the soon to be stained sheets as he ran his hand across his brow. _Don't want her to know. _

House stood up, the agonizing pain searing down his thigh into his calf as he struggled to breathe. He was at a loss as what to do without waking up Cuddy. _Denial works best…._

House got up and made his way to the bathroom to change and continued his sleep on the couch.

* * *

Cuddy awoke the next day immediately noticing two things: the fading stench of urine and the absence of Greg House beside her.

With sadness in her heart at the reason behind his leaving, she stood up and made her way to the living room. From the doorway she could see his broken form. He was trying to curl in a fetal position but her couch didn't leave much room for his body frame to be able to do that. He began to stir and Cuddy knew this had to be confronted…._well maybe…._

House rolled onto his back immediately regretting the decision to do so. He suppressed a whimper of pain, but yet he still saw her coming toward him.

She could see the shame in his eyes at his accident, but she decided to make no mention of it. It was not important.

"Are you Ok?"

House bit his lip and returned a hollow yes.

Cuddy nodded understanding. She excused herself and came back shortly with two pills. House grabbed them realizing almost instantly that it had been ages since he had a Vicodin. The relief coursed through his veins…_Relief followed by agony plagued memories… _

Cuddy kept a watchful eye on her guest. She didn't realize she had been rubbing his arm. House swallowed hard at the direct contact.

"Thanks." Cuddy saw what she was doing and more importantly what she was doing to House. She began to pull away. House nodded in gratitude. _It's better this way…._

"Why aren't you in work today? Taking off for me again?"

Cuddy smirked. "It's Saturday."

House chuckled." I forgot administrators don't work on Saturdays."

Cuddy hated what she was about to do, but better he know now than be surprised with it later_. He would never forgive me…_

"I have something to tell you."

House's blue eyes greeted hers. _Doesn't sound good…._

"I called your parents when this happened…and…they were gone, but now they're back…"

House turned from her and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"When?" _I don't want to see them….._

Cuddy sighed. "Today. They're coming over today"

House closed his eyes and sighed. Cuddy knew he felt betrayed _again_, but that this was something that was necessary. _You have to believe me it was necessary_….

"I had to call them. You had a seizure….you were in a coma…" House held up a hand. _He doesn't' want to hear my explanations_.

"House, please..." He looked into her eyes. _I know you thought you were doing the right thing...the right thing for whom?_

"Are you OK with this?" House shrugged noncommittally.

_"_I had a rough night is all." Cuddy sat down on the couch next to him and reached out for his hand.

"I was guessing since you were out here." House blinked slowly realizing dawning. _The sheets._

"Did I wake you up last night?"

Cuddy shook her head. "No."

House knew she was lying but accepted it anyway. He continued to hold her hand squeezing it allowing her to squeeze back. _Maybe _i_t's_ _time to take control...any form of control before_...his father's face came to mind _before all control is lost_.

"I'm going to change the sheets." With that he limped out of her sight.

It took her a moment to realize what he just said about the sheets. She smiled. _Maybe denial isn't always the best… he is beginning to accept..._

**

* * *

**

Up next House and his father confront each other…. I will post as soon as I can as long as I know you are all still with me! Thanks for the support!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own House, but I do own Lily. **

**A/'N Thank you for the wonderful reviews! Hope you all like this chapter! I decided to bump the rating to teen due to language and innuendos. Mentions of child abuse and sexual innuendos that is Yes this is a long one this time!!**

* * *

House sat absentmindedly switching the television stations. The remote's buttons felt foreign to him like little pieces of plastic digging into his fingers. He could feel a fine line of sweat begin to break out above his lip. He ran his slender fingers over his mouth feeling the course bristles of his stubble_. God …I don't think I can get through today. _

House closed his eyes. It had been a few years since he had last scene his parents. It had been eons since he had talked to them…really talked to them_. Maybe I never really talked to them. It was a two way street. We never tried to see each other…just existed in our own skin. _

The TV was beginning to become more of an annoyance than House originally had anticipated. The screen went dark. Grabbing one leg carefully to the coffee table and swinging the other around, House decided sleep would be the best way to pass the time.

_

* * *

_

1976

_House laid back in the grass breathing in the hyacinths and lilacs. __**Sweet…innocent and dying before their time….like me….**_

_He smirked at the thought of comparing himself to a wild flower growing beneath his feet. _

"_Greg?" Blue eyes turned to face the direction of the voice. A petite brunette with bright eyes looked longingly at him causing Greg's heart to skip a beat__**. If I weren't such a gentleman….**_

"_Are you Ok? You seem…more distant than usual." Greg smiled at her. __**If she only knew…**_

"_I'm fine. Just thinking." _

_She didn't want to let it go. "About what?"_

_Greg pushed himself up on his elbow and leaned in close to her soft rose colored lips. "You, of course."_

_A giggle erupted as he made his way to her mouth searching it hungrily…__**distracting her and me from the obvious burn…**_

_He found himself becoming more intense…hands moving eagerly to her breasts only to have an arm push him away. "Greg, you know I'm not ready for that yet." _

_He grinned. "Sorry. You are just so beautiful." _

_The young woman blushed. "We are also only seventeen and preparing for college. I can't afford to have anything go wrong if you know what I mean." Greg nodded__**. Of course I do….all children are mistakes….I've heard it plenty of times spoken in innuendos and whispered conversations….**_

_Greg pushed himself up till he was sitting cross legged on the grass. "Do you know what you want to d with your life?"_

_Lily sat up next to her boyfriend. "I don't know. Whatever it is it has to do something with helping people."_

_Greg cocked his head. "Helping people? Are you serious?"_

_Lily scoffed. "Why not? You want to be a doctor. Don't doctors help people?"_

_Greg thought for a moment before replying. "Only the pathetic ones become doctors just to help people."_

_Lily glowered in his direction leaning in teasing him with her close proximity. "Why do you want to become a doctor then?"_

_Greg stared straight ahead keeping his answer within….__**She wouldn't understand….**_

_When there was no answer from his lips, she sighed tugging on his arm. _

"_I have to get home. Can you walk with me?"_

_Greg stood up extending his hand to help Lily to her feet. "Guess I'm not getting lucky again tonight huh?"_

_She punched his arm hard causing him to yelp. "Gregory House I should punch you harder for that comment." _

_Greg sighed. "I was just kidding. I love you, you know. I would wait for you." Lily's bright eyes filled with tears. _

"_I know." _

_The two arrived to Lily's base house moments later. A quick kiss threatening to linger drew tem apart. "I need to get home too." Lily noticed how sad he sounded when he said that and ran her hand along his cheek. "See you later?"_

_Greg nodded smiling. "You bet."_

_Greg walked slowly to his house a few paces forward. Lily and he had been together for what seemed like ages in teen years but in reality had been about a year. He did love her. He wanted her. He would marry her if he could. There was time. There was always time…_

_John House heard the door close behind his son as he stormed into the living room. _

"_Where the hell have you been?"_

_Greg looked to his dad. "I was out." _

"_Don't be a smart ass with me. Where were you? With that girl again doing God knows what! Do you even care what the neighbors must think of you? Of me?"_

_Greg smirked. "I don't give a rat's ass what the neighbors think." _

_The words were barely out when Greg felt the sting of his flesh. He put a hand to his cheek._

"_Watch your mouth boy. You have a long way to go in this world. Don't screw it up."_

_Greg knew exactly what that meant and also if he spoke his mind what the consequences would be. _

"_Yes, sir." Greg started to walk away._

"_You are in way past curfew. No seeing Lily for the next week."_

_Greg glared angrily and huffed daring his father to hit him, yell at him, do anything to him. Nothing came. Why? Wasn't he good enough to be smacked around anyone__**? The old man going soft on me?**_

_Greg shook his head and went to his room. Not much longer and I will be free…_

* * *

**Present day**

Greg opened his eyes. He was wrong. He never was free. Before his punishment was up from his father that week, he got a call that Lily had been killed in a car accident along with another friend of hers. Greg had lashed out at his father in pain. He was tortured that he was the survivor. He knew he would have been with her if he wasn't punished_. I should have died too…._

John House had smiled and said "I did you a favor. Now you owe me."

Greg didn't realize he had begun swinging his fists until he felt the recriminations of his actions. Tears filled his eyes at the memories. _So damn vulnerable right now…how did that happen?_

He rubbed his tired eyes. Didn't matter anyway. _That was so long ago….Amber not so long ago…I am once again the survivor. Dad had done me no favors. _

"House?" _Another voice calling me out of my reveries_. _I don't think I can meet her eyes without breaking down…still caught up in the past._

"Yeah?" _I can barely croak out one word. I feel her presence there…please leave me alone…._

Cuddy sits down next to me. "I know you don't get along with your father but…."

House shook his head and stifled a fake chuckle. "I hate him."

Cuddy understood. "I know. I wish you would…."

He looked to her. She could see unshed tears in his eyes… so_ much pain he holds… why won't you let someone in?_

Cuddy remained silent allowing her concerns for him die on her breath_. Maybe when you're ready you'll share it….I can only hope you do…._

A knock on the door brought reality into focus. Two pairs of eyes stared at the door each for reasons of their own_. It's now or never…._

Cuddy got up to open the door. Standing there were both John and Blythe House.

"Mr. and Mrs. House come in, please."

Cuddy felt her own voice filled with too much sweetness.

The two enter her house. Blythe takes in her surroundings, the ever polite guest and comments on how lovely the home is. Cuddy smiles in gratitude accepting her words, all the while keeping an eye on John. He studies the environment looking for anything to be out of place. That is when he finds it.

"Are you using that leg of yours as an excuse to not come say hi to us?"

House felt his skin tingle at the words before struggling to get up and make his way over. Blythe eagerly grabbed her son with two arms not wanting to let go.

"I am so glad you are Ok, Gregory." House looked to Cuddy before making his next move and embraced his mom in return. He rested his chin against her shoulder breathing in familiar scents triggering past memories of love and comfort.

"Thanks, Mom." John stood behind Blythe saying nothing.

"Nice to see you too, Dad."

John scoffed. "Cut the bullshit, Greg. You know this was your mother's idea. "

Greg averted his gaze and limped off to the couch.

"So why are you here and not at your place? Do you two take turns or something? I mean I never got the whole concept of shacking up." Blythe turned a cold hard stare to her husband while Cuddy felt her face blush bright red.

House said nothing.

Cuddy looked to him. _No quick wit… no sarcastic remark? Where has House gone?_

"Mr. House, I think you may have misunderstood. We aren't together….."

John nodded keeping his gaze on House while answering Cuddy. "Of course not. I don't blame you."

Cuddy looked to House who seemed to wish that he were smaller and smaller by the minute.

"It's not that, you see, I'm his boss…"

John waved it off. "I know. It's fine. I don't need an explanation. Greg has always been an asshole and always will be. You don't; need to make excuses for him."

Cuddy found the rage boiling. House met her eyes. _He feels it too._

"I'm not…."

"So, "House interrupted before it could get anymore awkward, "Anything new? Kill anything lately Dad like Mom's spirit?" _Why the hell did I just say that?_

John and Blythe gave him disapproving looks. "Sorry I meant it as a joke, but I guess it didn't come out like that."

"Guess not." House heard the tone his mother had.

"Sorry, "he mumbled.

"No, you're not." John interjected.

Blythe put and arm up between House and John. "Let it go."

_Time for damage control_…"So is Chinese Ok for everyone?"

* * *

Dinner was only an hour after the Houses' arrived but it seemed like an eternity. John kept shooting accusations and insults at House while Blythe stepped in between. _If this is any indication of what his life growing up was like, no wonder he hates going home._

House wasn't hungry. He moved his fork around on the plate playing with the rice and broccoli wishing he were anywhere else but here.

Cuddy and Blythe struck up a conversation and were trying to keep the peace when out of the blue John asked, "Where's your friend, Wilson?"

House stopped moving his fork. Cuddy became quiet and Blythe looked at them each in turn.

"Wilson and I are not speaking to each other for the moment."

John scooped up a spoonful of rice. "What did you do this time? Steal his girl? _Crandall… _Kill his grandmother?" _Esther_…

House's pallor turned white. His blue eyes stood out even more against his skin.

"I killed his girlfriend."

Blythe dropped her fork and John stopped chewing taking House's words as a horrible joke and began to lash out at an already injured soul "You arrogant bastard." John stood up. House knew where this would lead and he was not in the mood for it.

"It wasn't like that. It was an accident." House heard Cuddy but needed to get this out.

"No, it was my fault. She never would have been on that damn bus if it weren't for me…"

"What are you talking about?" Blythe was thoroughly confused. "We heard you were in a coma and now someone else died in a bus accident?

House looked to Cuddy for guidance. He didn't know how much she had told them. _Apparently not much. _

"Your son, Mrs. House, "began Cuddy. "was in a bus accident. Wilson's girlfriend was with him…"

"So you were cheating with her huh? "

House slammed his fork down. "I was not cheating on anyone!"

His screams could be heard throughout the house.

"I did something better, Dad. I got drunk off my ass and called for Wilson to come pick me up. She came instead and followed me onto the bus after I told her to drive home because stupid me forgot my cane!"

John stood inches from House's flaring eyes. "For a leg problem that isn't all that bad a girl was killed." _I made a girl cry_….

This was getting no where. "You're right Dad. Always are. It just tickled and I wanted her to make it all better. Maybe suck me off when she had the chance." House felt the punch before he saw it coming. He was on the ground in moments.

John was staring down at him. "You always were a disappointment Greg. If I had a tub of ice big enough to put you in for this indiscretion, I would drown you in it myself."

Cuddy looked to Blythe who hid her face as she went to House's aid. _Tub of ice?_

"John I think it's time we left." Her voice was so small. She knew the pain the words caused Greg, the embarrassment he was now feeling and the strength he would need to explain it to his friend.

Cuddy bent down with a napkin to help stop the bleeding falling from House's nose.

"I am sorry, Dr. Cuddy. Thank you for the dinner." Cuddy felt her heart break for the woman. "You're welcome. Thank you for coming. " She meant that for her ears only.

Blythe stood up pulling Cuddy along with her, squeezing Cuddy's hands. "He needs someone. Please help him." Cuddy took in her whispers and nodded. "I will do my best."

Blythe smiled and patted her hand. John and Blythe made their way to the door.

"Bye, Gregory." She called on her way out.

"Bye Mom," he said. With that the door slammed shut.

Cuddy looked at House holding his bloody nose staring at the floor.

"Here let me help you." Cuddy went to the kitchen and got another napkin and handed it over. House glanced briefly into her eyes and muttered thanks.

"Are you Ok?"

House licked his lips as he put his head back to stop the gushing blood.

"No, I'm not Ok! Thanks for asking!"

He turned his back to Cuddy leaving her feeling even more helpless.

"Fine. If you need me or want to talk, I'm here."

He could hear her heels clicking against the hard wood floor. _I wish things could be different._

* * *

Hours went by before House felt it was safe to go to bed. Visions of the afternoon's events and what tomorrow would bring followed him around. He slowly opened the door to Cuddy's room allowing a small amount of light to filter through. He tried his best to be quiet, his body aching for the sweet drugs left at the night stand for him with a glass of water. _Damn it Cuddy, why do you have to be so…so nice?_

House gratefully swallowed them before climbing into the bed. He pulled up a flower print sheet and sighed resting his forehead in his hands.

Before he realized it he was speaking out loud. "I screwed up again."

He said it low at first, heart beating heavily as he looked toward her sleeping form. _Breathing pattern steady…she's asleep._

"I shouldn't have said the things I did tonight. There was no need. It didn't matter. Nothing matters, I guess. Doesn't change anything. He's always going to be a bastard…" He pauses afraid to admit the truth, "but so am I. It's not all his fault…I mean maybe none of it is, I don't know. I just wish sometimes that I could put it all behind me you know? So long ago yet…" he recalled his dreams with a shiver, "sometimes it feels just like yesterday."

He allowed his voice to trail off. It wasn't like she was listening anyway. She was dead to the world. _Dead…._

"There are things I want to tell you, things that I need to tell someone. Not just some stranger in a room." He thought of Eve.

"Not just an apparition from a near death experience." He thought of Amber.

"I need to talk to someone. Wilson and you are the only ones I trust. Maybe it's time to deal with this, all of this, everything in my life that needs fixing." He felt his voice hitch a little suppressing the escaping sobs. "I don't want to be alone anymore."

He shut his lips fearing anything else that may fall out and turned to lie on his side in any effort to fall asleep. Lost in his own thoughts, he was oblivious to the muffled cries coming from the other side of the bed at his admittance.

Cuddy shut her eyes and prayed …_He is ready to try …._

**

* * *

**

Do you like it? I know a bit long but there was a lot to say this time! For anyone wondering…Esther was from All In and Eve is from One Day One Room.

**Up next House confronts Wilson! Please review! It is like candy and I love candy!!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. Thank you for the reviews! I know he was a bit ooc but this is all about vulnerable House and you guys seem to like that! Thank you!!**

* * *

The day after….

House woke up late sometime after 11 am. Cuddy had been up long before he was. Breakfast aromas drifted through the air arousing House's senses. _Eggs and bacon never smelled so good…._

House decided it was time to join the living and get dressed. Within minutes, he was heading toward food and hopefully peace of mind.

* * *

Cuddy always woke up early even on her days off. This was no different. She wanted to be awake in case House needed her and it also gave her some time to do other things that needed to be done when he wasn't around: for example visiting Wilson.

Cuddy had first tried calling but got no answer so she decided to take a trip to Amber's apartment where Wilson was still staying. _A week is not enough time to grieve…_

Dressed simply in a jogging suit and sneakers, she headed to the front door and knocked cautiously. There was no response at first. Cuddy hoped that he wasn't home which would be a good thing or feared that he wasn't answering and crying himself to sleep somewhere in a locked room. Neither one of those things came to pass as the door finally opened and Wilson stood before her. Yes he had been crying, but not lost enough in despair to neglect a guest. _Oh Wilson…_

He was disheveled with a nearly 4 day old beard. His brown eyes stared blankly at her waiting for her to speak…daring her to mention House.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Cuddy took a deep breath …_start slowly_…

"I tried calling, but no one answered."

Wilson nodded avoiding her eyes. "I know. I'm sorry."

Cuddy 's features softened. "You have nothing to be sorry for. "

Wilson looked at his boss and friend as he rocked back and forth on his feet. "So, you were in the neighborhood?"

Cuddy shrugged, "Something like that."

Wilson stepped from the door gesturing her to come in.

Cuddy followed.

Cuddy went to sit on the couch.

"Would you like something to drink?"

Cuddy shook her head. "No thanks."

Wilson simply nodded and sat down next to her. Cuddy reached out and took his hand. _Taking Wilson's hand was always easier. House on the other hand….too many complications…too much past…. Too many emotions…_

"How are you sleeping?" Wilson stared off across the room at nothing.

"I'm not."

"Do you need something?"

Wilson looked to Cuddy. _She's trying to help, but she's not…._

"Yeah, I need Amber back. Can you do that?"

Cuddy bit her lip. "I meant…."

Wilson pulled his hand away. "I know what you meant."

Cuddy looked at her now empty hand. _Even with House being who he is, he didn't pull_ _away from her, but Wilson does_? "Are you ever going to talk to him about this?"

Wilson shot her daggers. "I knew you couldn't resist bringing _him_ up. No, I have no intention of talking to him anytime soon."

Cuddy was frustrated. "He risked his life…"

Wilson's icy stare sent shivers down her spine. "Did he? Or is that what he wants you to think?"

Cuddy had no response. _What other reason would there be?_

"House, as you know never does anything for others. There is always an ulterior motive." He paused allowing his next words to sink in. "He needed to know."

Cuddy returned the quip. "_You_ wanted to know."

Wilson didn't deny it.

"Please leave."

Cuddy stood up knowing she was no longer welcomed. As she headed toward the door her hand brushed along the doorway frame.

"You can hate him if it helps," I_ hate what I am about to say,_ "but don't become him."

Wilson watched her close the door as she left.

* * *

House watched Cuddy flipping the eggs as he came up behind her snatching a crisp piece of bacon right from the pan disturbing her memories of that morning.

"Can't you wait five minutes?"

House licked his fingers with a sly grin. "Nope."

Cuddy sighed. "Here, it's done anyway."

House grabbed a plate and helped himself to the freshly cooked meal.

The two sat in silence. Cuddy every so often would look to House urging him with her eyes to talk. House would look back begging her with his to let it go. After breakfast, House stood up and inched his way to the living room. Cuddy stood up following. She watched him pause as he reached down to grab his cane. She saw his hand run over the wooden exterior damning it silently.

"Going somewhere?"

He looked up into her blue eyes. "I am going for a walk." He twirled the cane between his hands. Cuddy watched the deftness he had and his bare arms showing such life such beauty in their own way.

"Need any company?"

* * *

House looked to his companion under the shade of the maple trees. Their pace was steady and silent most of the way. House's original intention was to walk alone and think about what he should do. He knew logically he couldn't stay at Cuddy's forever although it wasn't a bad thought…

He needed to return to work or something constituting work at some point. Overall he felt better…._minus the occasional hallucination_…_not_ _any different than the other times although I was high when it happened then…._

"What are you thinking?"

House looked down at her as he leaned into his cane. Her hands were tucked neatly into her pockets looking straight ahead. _She's afraid of the answer…_

"Going back to work." Cuddy turned her head with an incredulous stare. House took note. _She wasn't expecting that…_

"Work? House, you just suffered a …."

House interrupted her. "Yeah, yeah I know. I went through it remember?" He paused stopping in his tracks. Suddenly walking a d talking took up too much energy. "I can't stay like this. I need ..."

"Normalcy?" Cuddy completed his train of thought. House nodded. _She knows me too well…_

Cuddy began to walk again not giving him any answer.

"I saw Wilson today." House's head perked up as he began to walk again to catch up with her.

"How is he?"

Cuddy tilted her head daring him to meet her eyes. "Do you really want to know because you care or because you're curious?"

House blinked turning his gaze forward. "Both."

Cuddy's shoulders sagged a bit. "He looks horrible. He says…" _Should I tell him?_ _Ask him if it's true?_ "that you only did what you did because you needed to know."

House stopped walking again.

"Is that true?"

House stared at the ground suddenly finding some fallen leaves much more interesting.

"Does it matter?"

Cuddy knew that was her answer. She suddenly didn't feel like walking anymore. "I told him he wanted to know too." House slowly nodded his head_. Too way street_….

Before another word could be spoken, Cuddy felt her pager go off. _Damn_…

"It's the hospital. I have to go."

House couldn't resist a grin. "Hospital needs you. When Booty calls, Cuddy, you gotta answer it".

House looked into her eyes. They spoke volumes ignoring his latest shenanigans. _This conversation is not over…._

* * *

It had been nearly three hours since Cuddy left to care for her other baby. House sat on the couch twirling his cane looking out the window. He knew what he had to do today.

A tentative hand reached out to pound on the door. Once he started he found he couldn't stop. The door opened abruptly. House drew in a sharp breath. _Wilson…you look like shit…_

Wilson's eyes pierced deeply through House's very being.

"What the hell do you want?" he seethed.

House paused trying to choose his words carefully but they were jumbled and painful to his tongue. "I don't know."

Wilson closed his eyes breathing deeply. "Get the hell away from me. Go back to Cuddy."

"Wait." A cane…._divider_….stood between Wilson and the door.

"I….I'm…so sorry." He knew he said it before but for different reasons. _Sorry I couldn't solve the puzzle fast enough…sorry for solving it only to find the missing piece was damaged….losing my best friend's girl…my best friend too…_

"Sorry doesn't bring her back."

House nodded as Wilson relaxed slightly. House nodded.

"I know." _My throat feels so dry…_

_Silence. I hate silence. _

"Say something please."

Wilson eyed the man before him. _He's begging_ …..

"There's nothing to say." House met his friend's eyes in despair.

Forman's face flooded into his mind. _I can't forgive you because there is nothing to forgive you for….not this time…._

"What can I do?"

Wilson was at a loss as much as House. _I have no idea….nothing can be done to make this right…._

"Time."

House kept his blue eyes steady on Wilson's haggard features. _Time….time means nothing to me…._

"O.K."

The cane slowly dropped releasing Wilson from his torture.

"You know she's only taking care of you because you're a "precious resource", a big money maker for the hospital."

House said nothing. _That's not true_….

"She can't stand you. If you weren't such a fucking good doctor, you'd be out a long time ago." _The words hurt as they come out…_

Wilson sees House's face fall_. I want you to be in as much pain as I am…_

"We're done here."

He was about to close the door when House finally found his voice.

"I don't want you to hate me, but more importantly I don't want you to hate yourself."

Wilson looked at House. He didn't deny that emotion, said nothing before slamming the door. House closed his eyes before limping to the corner to hail a cab.

_The nearest bar sounds good…_

* * *

Cuddy had been pacing for nearly an hour. The hospital wasn't in as much of a crisis as initially expected. It was nearing 7 pm. Where the hell was House?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the knock at the door. _Please let that be him_…

She ran to open it. House stood before her, glassy eyed and reeking of alcohol. Her face fell… _Oh House…_

He avoided her pity and spoke knowing what he was about to say would change everything.

"I think I'm ready to talk now."

**

* * *

**

Do you like? Thoughts please? Thank you so much for the reviews. Please keep them up. They make my day!!

**Up next: a bit of this and that. Memories from the past from House's childhood to Cuddy's memories of House after Stacey and even a bit of Amber thrown in. **


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews again guys! You are the best! It might be a bit out of OCC but I hope it is still enjoyable. Hope you like this chappy! Once again passage in italics flashback-bold italics the characters thoughts. References to Half Wit.**

* * *

House felt Cuddy's warm hand on his shivering arm. The goose bumps were etched in his flesh. He welcomed her tenderness although he knew he would have no recollection of it in the morning. He made sure of that.

"Come in, you're like ice." _Ice….the word alone caused involuntary shivers. God I wish I had a drink with me now…._

House said nothing as he followed her into the living room. She helped him onto the couch, carefully pulling off his shoes and wrapping him securely in a blanket nearby. His eyes were red and swollen…._maybe from crying…or too much alcohol. Causes didn't' matter right now. Consequences did._

"How did you get…?

House swallowed hard. "A cab."

Cuddy breathed a sigh of relief. _I don't think I could ever go through a night like that again…._

Her eyes stayed on his body as she sat down near his feet gently lifting his legs onto her own for support. House cradled the blanket closer to his chin, sweat pouring down his face. Cuddy reached out a hand to his forehead. "I think you may have a fever."

House's eyes widened. "M'fine."

Her hand caressed his cheek tears in her eyes. "You are not fine."

House felt his own eyes water at the sight of her. He pulled one hand out from under the blanket in an effort to connect. He found his hand grazing her cheek as her tears fell from her eyes. "You're too beautiful to cry."

Cuddy closed her eyes suddenly whisked away to another time when those same words were spoken in a different context…

_

* * *

_

It had been two weeks since she had left. Cuddy watched him falling more and more into himself. He was lost most of the time in conversation, drifting into his own thoughts and memories as jokes flew by him, puzzles lay unfinished.

_**He was different …broken…a fragment of a fragment each piece tinier than before. Soon there would be nothing left to solve.**_

_Today was like no other. Cuddy , House and Wilson had gone out in an attempt to draw House out of the despair Stacey had left him in. He had been drinking again much too much for Wilson to handle on his own. He had pulled Lisa aside in a desperate plea. _

"_I can't do this alone anymore."_

_Lisa nodded. She didn't want him to. It was her turn to make sure Greg got home OK. Stumbling into his apartment, he threw his leather jacket reeking of cigarette smoke into the nearest chair and slumped into it. His breathing was ragged and filled with unintelligible sounds. _

"_I don't understand what you're saying House."_

_House lifted his blue eyes up to gaze into hers. "Why are you here? Guilt? Torture chamber's down the hall."_

_Cuddy tried to smile at his attempt to tell a joke which fell flat. _

"_I'm here because I'm your friend."_

_House turned his gaze to the floor and stubbornly kicking a rumpled piece of paper that was there. "Don't have any friends…cept Wilson. Wilson's always there."_

_**He looks at me so sincere…innocent…**_

"_He's not here tonight…."_

_Cuddy reached out and grabbed his hand comforting him against her own battling emotions. She ran her fingers over his wishing with all her might that she could take all of his pain away with prayers and soothing circles. _

"_I'm here."_

_House took in her earnest, genuine words. _

"_Yes, you're here."_

_Cuddy smiled as he recognized she wasn't leaving._

"_Don't leave me."_

_Cuddy gripped his hand tighter_

"_I'm not,"_

_House pulled her closer. Cuddy's heart began to beat so fast she thought she would pass out. __**What is he doing**__?_

"_I'm sorry."_

_Cuddy smiled nervously. "It's Ok. You're right. I do feel guilty. I hate myself for that."_

_House's hand ran across her cheeks. Cuddy stared directly into his eyes. __**He is so sad….so intent on …me…**_

"_I need you Stacey."_

_Cuddy's breath caught in her throat. __**Stacey….I am such a fool…**_

"_House…."_

_He shushes her sweetly leaning in for a kiss. "You're too beautiful to cry…"_

_His kiss is sweet and endearing. It lasts for but a moment before he closes his tired eyes and falls asleep in the arms of his friend. _

* * *

Now she has come full circle. He never recalled what he did from before or if he did chose to avoid it. House is gazing into her eyes with that same longing _for another ….never me…._

"Do you…" _I shouldn't be asking this_…"Do you know where you are?"

He looked around the room taking in the images…processing them with fervor.

"Your living room." Cuddy smiled biting her lower lip. _My living room… who am I?_

"Cuddy…"

Her eyes returned to his. He said my name.

"You know it's me? Cuddy?"'

House blinked trying to keep his wits. _I'm burning up…_

"Yeah….what…."

Cuddy waved it off. "Never mind." Her hand gripped on his tighter.

"I'm listening."

House knew she was listening. She was always listening: listening to conversations that weren't hers to hear…conversations he tried to hide in his heart only to have them tumble forth from a loose tongue. _Maybe it's time_…

The words wouldn't come.

"Help me…"

Cuddy didn't; know what he was asking. _Help you what?_

"What do you need?"

House shrugged one hand warming it under the cover while the other was in her hand.

"Don't know."

She nodded. _She understood_.

"Was it about Amber?"

_Maybe not…but Amber seemed easier to discuss….easier…._

He seemed reluctant and tensed in her grasp, but nodded.

"Part of it."

He took a breath. "I was jealous. "

Cuddy cocked her head slightly to the side remaining silent.

"I wanted her. Wilson ….he always got what he wanted."

Cuddy wanted to laugh at the irony of that statement but thought it best not to.

"He could find any woman he wanted and …they were his."

He looked into her eyes. _God his eyes_…

"He could even get you."

Cuddy smiled at his innocence. "Wilson never had me" _My heart belongs to another…_

House seemed unconvinced. His heart was wounded and his hand withdrew.

"Why do you protect me?"

Cuddy sat up straighter. _She's thrown off by my question_…

"You're a good doctor…"

He shook his head. "I'm a 'precious resource'" _Wilson's words haunt me._ "You are consumed with guilt. If you never sawed off part of my leg or I sucked at what I did…we wouldn't be here now…"

Those words rang true in more ways than one…

Cuddy's shoulders sagged. "You're right. I am guilt ridden for what I did and I let you get away with more than anyone else. It's true too that you are a precious resource to the hospital." She leaned in making sure her words had the desired effect "That is not why I care about _**you.**_ I would always be here for you no matter what."

"How do I know you aren't lying to me?"

Cuddy wished she could give him a guarantee but there are none.

"You can't. Have faith in me."

House looked at her locks falling into his face. He could smell her lavender scent and he closed his eyes_. Intoxicating_. He opened his eyes as he pulled her close whispering

"Prove it."

Cuddy wanted to pull back. "I just said…faith…"

House shook his head. "I need more than that."

Cuddy's eyes softened. _I don't know if I can give you what you need…._

House couldn't resist. He pressed her firmly to his lips. _Rose Petals….scent of hyacinth on a spring day….arousing….releasing….._

He started gently until the overwhelming senses and memories overtook him. He hungrily searched her lips. _She was kissing back. Kissing back… He thought of Stacey….Passion after a fight…always after a fight…Cameron…..attractive….urges keen….Cuddy….one word for Cuddy….complete…._

He felt his lips grew cold as hers broke contact. Their eyes met briefly before she turned away.

"House….maybe…now's not a good time to do this….You're not …I mean you're intoxicated."

He nodded. "I know."

"I can't…" she shuddered. "It's not right."

He grinned. "It's OK. I won't remember this tomorrow."

Cuddy pinched his arm. "Then now is _**definitely not**_ the right time."

House took in her words. "So….there will be a right time?"

Cuddy said nothing. "Was that all you wanted to say to me?"

House looked down at the covers. "No."

Cuddy waited. Silence.

She nodded. "When you're ready." He felt her standing up.

"Please…stay."

Cuddy raised and eyebrow in protest.

"You can trust me." House grinned. "Too much alcohol doesn't go well with…other things for me."

Cuddy smirked as she got comfortable again.

House kept his gaze on her, intent unwavering. _She should know…know what she's dealing with…._

"I hate ice."

Cuddy turned her head to face his. _He's talking_.

"Ever since I was a kid," the words were drawn out slowly, deliberately, "I hated to be cold. He knew that. He used that."

Cuddy frowned. House looked into her lost eyes. _She has no clue…_

"I was always a bit of a bastard; causing mischief, turmoil for everyone around me but particularly my parents. Typical kid stuff: fights at school, not eating my veggies, whatever….anyway…" his gaze fell. Cuddy reached out and held onto his hand. He looked at her. _Don't forsake me Cuddy…._

"He…my dad…would punish me, several ways actually. Sometimes it would be sleeping outside in the yard overnight with no supper especially when it was below 30 degrees." House tried to smile…_deflect_ but Cuddy would have none of it. She squeezed his hand urging him to continue.

"Other times…" my_ tongue feels thick_…" he would watch me strip and then submerge me in ice baths…." _I feel like I am reliving it….God make it stop_…."I….would scream for the first ten minutes. Then I went numb. He knew I had enough." He tried to smile.

"Until next time anyway."

Cuddy licked her lips trying to process what he had just said. _House: enigma extraordinaire….his eyes open and his soul laid bear…human…_

He looked to her squirming on the couch waiting for the final blow." Say something."

She was honest. "I don't know what to say."

House nodded looking relieved. "Thank you."

Cuddy wiped away the tears that were threatening to escape. "For what?"

He gripped her hand harder in return. "For not trying to pity me…serving platitudes on tarnished silver plates. You listened to me. That is enough."

Cuddy ran a finger over her bathrobe and sighed. She laid her head on his chest hearing _his heart….beating…human…._

House wrapped his arms around her giving and receiving comfort. His heart was lifted knowing he wouldn't remember bearing his soul to her tonight. As he looked at her resting form, his heart also fell knowing he wouldn't remember how she held his soul either.

**

* * *

**

What do you think? Like it or hate it? Please review!!. hope it's not too OOC . I was watching season two last night and House in many of the episodes revealed his vulnerable side. A nice mix hopefully!I


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. Thank you for the reviews and thank you to the spoiler and speculation boards that have helped inspire this story to keep going! **

_

* * *

_

The next morning….

The first things House felt when he opened one eye was the pounding headache along with nausea and the overwhelming need to relieve himself. He knew Cuddy was on his chest only beginning to stir. The more she moved on him, the worse he began to feel. _Sorry Cuddles, but I need to do this_…

"Hey, move."

Cuddy lifted her weary head and stared into his eyes. "What?"

"I said move it or you will have a huge mess on your hands in about 20 seconds."

Cuddy knew that didn't sound good and moved off of him as quickly as possible. He sat up a little too quickly to his tumbling stomach and grabbing hold of his cane stood up and made his way to the bathroom.

Cuddy followed standing outside as he slammed the door shut. She stood wincing at the retching sounds coming from her bathroom. _Wonder how much of a mess I will be cleaning up later on…._

House didn't know what he should do first. He took one look at the sink as his stomach rebelled _I hope my aim is a lot better than I imagined_.

She knocked on the door. "House? You Ok?"

The sound of vomiting came and passed before House answered. "Just peachy, thanks."

Cuddy pushed the door opened. The smell was nauseating in itself. She found herself covering her nose as she gazed at her vomit stained sink and House gripping the toilet bowel with little strength. . House took note. _I am such an embarrassment._

He reached his hand up to flush the toilet releasing the foul stench to the ocean.

"What the hell did I do last night?"

Cuddy flinched as she handed him a towel. She expected this…part of her wished it so….but now that he is asking her for answers she isn't sure she should willingly give them.

"What do you remember?"

House's eyes narrowed. _I don't like being on the other side of these games_.

"Why don't; you just tell me and get it over with."

Cuddy stood her ground. "No."

House sighed, wiping his mouth on her towel. His eyes were hollow and red, and sweat matted his thinning hair.

"I remember….remember seeing Wilson…"

Cuddy 's head perked up at this information. _That was new_.

"Do you remember what you said to him?"

House thought back. _Wilson…don't; remember exactly….but he said….awful things…probably deserved it…_

"Wilson said you didn't care." His voice grew softer. "Said I was your resource…nothing more."

He briefly met her eyes so sad…_pitying…_."Probably true, right? I mean…"

Cuddy placed one finger to his lips hushing him.

"Wilson's hurt. He wants _**you**_ to hurt." House couldn't help but laugh at the irony. "Has he seen me lately? I think I am hurting …."

Cuddy squeezed his shoulder. "You know what I mean."

House avoided her penetrating gaze with honesty. "I know."

She pulled her hand off his shoulder. "Remember anything else?"

House thought long and hard. _Maybe Amber_? A cold chill shifted through his body. _God I hope not…dad…_

"Don't know."

Cuddy nodded. "You'll remember and when you do…I'll be here."

House growled at her. "Woman, why do you have to make this so difficult?"

Cuddy smirked. "You do it to me all the time. Welcome to my world!"

Spinning on her heel she left to get ready for work.

* * *

About an hour later, Cuddy emerged freshly showered, dressed and smelling like heaven. House sat twirling his cane watching her move. Even with his head beating like a bitch, he could still feel his body relaxed enough to get aroused. _Self control is still limited to me right now…_

Cuddy reached up putting a gold earring in watching him. His eyes were still glassy, but they had that look… Cuddy cleared her throat garnering his attention. Light blue eyes greeted hers. _He wants sex…badly….I need to leave_….

"I'm…going to be late for work…"

Her voice trailed. He nodded finding that he couldn't; remove his gaze. She swallowed hard as he stood up and came toward her. _Don't kiss me…please don't kiss me…_

He stopped right in front of her never taking his eyes off her face. "I need to work."

Cuddy cracked a smile. _Not what I was expecting…._

"You have the world's worst hangover, are still recovering from your seizure…"

House watched her intently. "Excuses. I need to work."

He stressed it more firmly this time. Cuddy didn't know what to say. _Maybe this way I can still keep an eye on him …_

"Fine. Clinic duty supervised by someone from _**your **_team. No more than three patients a day. "

House scoffed. "That's more than usual."

Cuddy placed a hand on his chest causing his heart to quicken.

"Take it or leave it."

House grabbed her hand holding it tightly. "You supervise me."

Cuddy laughed nervously. "I can't…I have work to do…"

"Hey, if you want me there, you'll do it."

Cuddy found that logic ridiculous. "_**You**_ are the one who wants to be there."

House leaned in further not sure if even he could resist her at this moment of passion. "You want me too."

Cuddy's eyes softened_. Please don't; kiss me…please don't kiss…_

He leaned in until his lips touched hers brushing them ever so slightly before pulling away.

"Say you'll do it for me."

Cuddy shook her head. House grinned as he walked away one thought nagging him as she caved.

"What the hell _**did **_I say to you last night?"

* * *

Clinic was just as House remembered it…_unfortunately._ The only thing that kept him from dozing was seeing Cuddy's face taking notes…watching him. Thoughts of earlier flooded into his mind. _I should have just kissed her_….

"Why is she here again?"

House grinned looking to Cuddy. "She's a med student. She _**loves **_doing extra credit for the teacher."

While the patient bought this, Cuddy resented the underlying implications.

"I'm actually the Dean of Medicine."

The man looked to House for assurance. House muttered something about her being a psyche student and Cuddy had enough.

"I will not supervise you if you keep undermining my position."

House stood up with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"I have nothing against your position unless you can make it a bit more horizontal."

Cuddy reached up knocking his gesturing hands away. She looked to the man who was clearly baffled.

"Leave. You have a cold."

Her head shook in annoyance as she stormed off.

House watched her. A part of him wished for the way things had been back at her house and a part of him truly missed this …_whatever this was._

Staggering to keep up with her, House limped as quickly as possible.

"Hey!"

Cuddy refused to acknowledge him continued to her office, slamming the door behind her.

House pushed past yet another secretary into the brightness of the office.

_God my eyes are killing me with this light_. He put his hand around his eyes to shield them Blinking rapidly, he pulled his hand away and adjusted to the scene before him. The room had transformed. Cuddy's desk was still present with Cuddy in it ignoring him. Behind her were the wail of sirens and the images of the dead. Bodies were being pulled form the wreckage and House felt his heart begins to pound. _I must be hallucinating again….why?_

"Why are you still thinking about me?"

House turned to the voice…not Cuddy's…_Amber's…_

"I'm not." His words sounded hesitant and unsure.

She smiled. "You're lying."

He stood as still as he could taking her in. She wasn't distorted like the others. Her features were smooth and angelic…._perfectio_n.

"You still want me even though I'm dead." She shook her head as she took a step toward him. "How sad."

House had no rebuttal. _She's not real…_

"Cuddy here…she really does care about you but you….you only see her as a replacement to get to him don't you?"

House denied the information presented. _No….I wouldn't do that…would I?_

Amber smiled. "You don't even know yourself do you?"

House dropped his gaze. _I have no answer._

"Do you like her?"

House looked to Cuddy who still seemed oblivious to her surroundings…_I mean my surroundings…_

"I don't know."

Amber was finally close enough to touch him.

"Think about it. Decide soon."

"House."

House opened his eyes barely at the voice calling to him. Smooth hands ran over his face cradling his head in her arms.

"Please, answer me."

_Lines were blurred…dream….reality…love and lost….what am I suppose to do?_ He said the only word he could remember.

"Amber."

Cuddy felt the tears slip down her eyes as she gripped the warm hand enveloped in hers. Her eyes were clouded and she didn't make out the figure staring from the shadows at the scene before him taking it all in. With one word, three hearts were broken.

**

* * *

**

Please review? Please let me know your thoughts! Will he remembr? Will he figure out what he's suppose to do? It helps me write faster!!

**. **


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. **

_

* * *

_

Beep….beep…beep…

House opened one eye first cautiously taking in his surroundings before opening the other. _Damn it! Why am I here again?_ Memories began to flood back into his mind…_Cuddy's office…Amber…telling me…?_ _What? Do I like Cuddy? No great_ _wisdom just…do I like Cuddy_. House swallowed. _Maybe there was enough wisdom in knowing that fact alone._

He looked at his surroundings. He had no concept of time since there were no clocks near his line of vision. He sighed as he opened and closed his hand into a fist taking in the time and emptiness it held. It was the first time his hand had felt cold since all of this began. He was totally alone.

* * *

Cuddy sighed for the umpteenth time as she found herself mindlessly looking over files._ I don't even know what I'm seeing at this point._

She sighed and rubbed her hand to her eyes. _I have not been focused on this…any of this_ _since…_flashes of House falling to the floor in her office as she kept calling his name. He was mumbling and incoherent until she heard one word whispered: Amber.

Cuddy picked up her pen and threw it against the wall. _Out of character…but there is no one to yell out….I need a release…time to think…_

A soft knock on the door broke her out of her trance. It opened slowly. Wilson entered with a grim look.

Cuddy didn't know what to say. She had completely forgotten that he had returned to work at all. Last time she had seen Wilson it didn't go over too well. He was clean shaven and his hair was cut. He had the look of someone who was at least trying_….hiding_…but trying.

"Hey." She whispered.

"Hey."

"Can I help you?"

Wilson sighed. He ran his hand over the back of his neck trying to release the tension too…_no one to battle with even though the tension is almost always caused by him._

"The board is meeting today."

Cuddy looked at her watch as she felt the panic rise. "Today? I …wasn't informed…when?"

Wilson held up his hand to stop her.

"They are meeting to see if you should resign from your post as Administrator."

Cuddy stood up even though her knees felt like crumbling from the weight of this knowledge.

"What?"

Wilson continued." You haven't been …here lately. Not just physically but mentally. Things are getting by you…"

"Like what?"

Wilson shook his head. "Doesn't matter. The point is _**they **_have. We're losing you." He paused as he took a deep breath.

"We're losing you to **him**."

Cuddy averted her gaze. She nodded.

"I know."

Wilson sat down on the couch as he took in her confession. "Why? What has he ever done for you that would warrant this? He mocks you on every occasion…hell….it isn't like he's very demonstrative in any aspect…"

Cuddy's faced turned crimson. "That's none of your business."

Wilson looked straight into her eyes. "My God. You've slept with him haven't you?"

She ran her hands along the desk walking over the welcoming couch near Wilson. "Not recently. Once, a long time ago."

Wilson nodded. "I should've known. No one would put up with his crap except me."

He paused, licking his lips as the tears welled in his eyes. "Why him? Why House?"

_He says it with such honesty._

Cuddy reached out and took Wilson's hand. "Because he _**is **_House."

* * *

After gathering his clothes and signing himself out against medical orders House found himself heading toward the exit.

"Hey!"

House stopped closing his eyes. "Here we go…" he muttered.

"Where are you going?"

"The hospital was short on hookers who make house calls so I had to find my action elsewhere."

Cameron rolled her eyes. "You are not going home alone."

House smirked. "Finally up to the challenge eh?"

Cameron gave a disgusted look. _Or pretended too…_

"Ew, no. Chase will drive you."

House rolled his eyes. "Oh God not Chase, please anyone but him!"

Cameron smirked. "Fine, I'll get Wilson." House perked up. "Hey, you know what. Chase will do just fine. "

Cameron smiled. "I thought so."

* * *

Chase gripped the steering wheel tightly squirming uncomfortably in his set beside House. _Why do I let Cameron talk me into doing things…?_

"How are you feeling?"

House leaned his head against the glass and continued to look outside.

"Sorry dumb question. Do I look like I feel fine?"

House tilted his head to look at Chase. "That is the worst imitation of me ever."

Chase smiled. At least he's talking….

"So did you sign out AMA?"

House wined. "Don't tell mom on me OK? I'm not up to a spanking just yet."

Chase grinned. "I'm sure Cuddy is just worried about you."

House snorted. _Yeah that must be it._

"You don't think she likes you?"

House turned to face Chase. "No, but it is interesting that you thinks she does."

Chase chuckled. "Yeah, right. Why else would she let you get away with so much..."

"I'm a great doctor." _I asked that one to her once before._

"Hmmm. Well, then why would she risk her job for you?"

_That was new_. "What?"

Chase realized House had no clue about the board meeting.

"The board…they're meeting today to see if Cuddy should stay or go." House's eyes narrowed.

"The past few weeks she hasn't been …there…" House closed his eyes. _Because she was with me…_

"I know." Chase didn't want to make House feel badly, _but then again_…

"She has sacrificed a lot for you too." House thought of her…_Wilson…himself…_

"I know."

The rest of the ride was in silence each member contemplating his own actions and the consequences that would come from them.

* * *

House lay down stretched out completely on his couch. While he missed the warmth of Cuddy's home, he missed his own a bit more than he realized. The couch felt familiar to him. It had seen its share of violence and drug induced states to know what made him feel _….safe._

As House closed his eyes preparing to sleep, he heard a knock on the door. His watch told him it was close to 9PM. Sighing, he got up and took a peek.

_Damn it, Cuddy…_

He didn't say a word preparing himself for the reaming but nothing came. Cuddy stood before him a tear streaked mess of tousled hair and clothes. House frowned attempting to push the concern from his face. He was about to speak when he heard her voice defeated….._so lost_.

"They suspended me for a week. Kallum from Princeton General will be taking over. Damn him…he's been waiting for me to screw up and finally…."

She refused to cry anymore in front of House. She lowered her head. "Are you Ok? No one checked you out."

House grunted. _Her_ _world falling apart and she still cares about me? Cares about me_…. "You weren't there. Don't like anyone touching me but you, you know?"

Cuddy pushed him, suddenly and sharply, stealing his breath for a moment from the force.

"You have no right to talk to me like that. This is your fault! I am nothing without that place! I have nothing…" The last words died on her lips and shattered his heart. He turned to her and carefully raised her chin to meet his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

Cuddy knew he was or at least hoped he was. She also knew that this wasn't his entire fault _if any of it was._ Still she was angry.

"Sorry isn't good enough."

House gripped the door suddenly feeling the need to down some Vicodin and the desire for company.

"Want a beer?"

_

* * *

_

Why am I here?

Cuddy sat downing her second beer all the while House kept his eyes on her face.

"Be careful how many of those you have. You don't hold your liquor too well."

Cuddy glared at him. He was right though. Last time they had gotten together…she was a little looser than usual.

She slammed the bottle down. "I'm done."

House nodded. "Good."

They stared at each other, though neither one saw the other.

_It's now or never._

"Chase said you care about me."

Cuddy froze. Why would he bring that up? "What do you think?"

House gave a quirky grin. "I said I didn't think so."

Cuddy seemed to accept the answer. _Good….maybe this is my way to get over him_.

"He's right." With that she picked up the bottle. House grabbed her hand tightly in mid air.

"You're lying."

Cuddy trembled slightly in his grasp.

"Does it matter?" she spat back.

House let her hand go and stood up preparing to fight.

"Of course it matters! It always matters. You can't…live a lie…."

Cuddy scoffed standing up close enough to feel the warmth of his breath.

"Why because only you can? When was the last time you admitted anything to anyone? Maybe that you actually ever cared about another human being? About the death of a patient?" House thumped his cane solidly against the floor.

"Don't you dare preach to me about lying! You are the king of liars."

She began to leave.

"Don't."

Cuddy turned surprised that such a small voice followed her harsh words.

"Why?" Her voice cracked. _I sound so foolish_.

He gently took her arm rubbing soothing circles …_without a thought_…"I don't lie about everything. "He took a deep breath about to admit … I haven't lied to you. You know more about me now than…hell than Wilson. I'm vulnerable and I hate it."

Cuddy looked at his face, _scared and wounded_ and took a step closer to him wanting to touch him back.

"You remember what you told me."

He parted his lips to speak but found a stifled chuckle was all that could come out.

"Yeah."

This time Cuddy reached out for the contact she wanted and knew he needed.

"I told you I would be here for you."

He held on tighter. "Then don't go."

Cuddy closed her eyes leaning into his look of want and need fearing that her next decision would be the end of her.

**

* * *

**

Did you like? Please review! I am not sure if I should have them get together or not. Some of you like the tensions and some of you want the action!! You decide! I can go either way with it! If you do decide action however…it will be moved to MATURE!! Please review

! 


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Disclaimer: I do not own House**

**A/N I would also like to reply to an anonymous review that I recently received and if you would all take a few minutes to read maybe it will explain some of my OOC points. Thanks!**

**Reply to an anonymous reviewer: I greatly accept criticism and appreciate the comments. Yes it has been mentioned perhaps before in Chapter 7 John's performance was a bit over the top and you seem to suggest that it was a bit OOC for him. Do you know John's true character? We have only seen him in one episode for about 10 minutes. No one knows the real John House and anything in this story is pure speculation. I think if Greg got on his nerves enough he would definitely fight back allowing years of silence to slip out. That being said I may rewrite parts in time to better convey the characters the best way I can. **

**As for all the crying yeah I know sometimes a bit much. What can I say I like angst…love it actually!! It seems most of you do too!! Thank you for that!! I am always looking for ways to improve and may at some point rewrite some parts of the story in an effort to make it better. I can definitely see how too much crying can be annoying!! Considering the past two weeks they had been having (in this story anyway) I think it would shatter even the strongest of walls for a little bit. About your Wilson comment, Wilson happened to catch them talking by accident and actually was there to discuss Cuddy and the board meeting. That was to be explained at a later time but now has been stated.…he wasn't; lurking so to speak. I hope that overall you appreciate how hard I have been working on this and trying to please as many people as possible. Thank you for your comments and hope you will continue to read on. I will try to cut the crying down to a whimper. Completely in character stories can be found on Fox. Smiles**

**Hope everyone else likes where I decided to take this for the moment. I didn't; break it in to all action yet….Maybe Soon!!**

* * *

Cuddy reached in a gentle hand and held it over House's heart She could feel it beating…_strong and steady….alive_. She wanted to do this truly she did but so many factors would change. What if she got her job back? What is she would be hurt by him yet again? _Can I do that? _

"I don't know if I can do this again."

House heard her words and said nothing.

She pulled her hand away form him. "I'm tired of spending my days crying over you for the things you've done or the things you are going to do. I need to be stronger than that. The hospital needs me to be stronger than that. Being around you lately has made me…."

"Weak." Cuddy nodded at the admission of his words.

"You are far from weak, Cuddy."

Cuddy smirked. "Yeah I know, but somehow ...you…."

House wasn't giving up not after coming this far. "You would never have hired me to begin with if you were weak. You know how much of an asshole I am."

Cuddy snorted. "Who doesn't?"

House shook his head. "No, you know I am a bastard...that I would put your hospital at risk…your baby….yet …yet you trusted me enough to let me in on secrets. You trusted me enough to allow me to risk the lives of patients in order to save them. No matter what happens or will happen it comes down to trust. We ….trust each other. It's as simple as that."

Cuddy looked into his blue eyes. It was true. All of it. She knew all about him, or as much as he would allow, and still trusted him enough to hire him. All her excuses about guilt for his infarction and her decisions, pity that he couldn't; get hired elsewhere and how it would be a waste to let his genius slip by….not the core issue. Trust. _Someone you trust_…he had said_. I did find someone I trusted all along….. all along…._

He reached out a hand for her to take. "It's up to you. Do you trust me enough to do this? Can you take another risk in me?"

Her lips tightened at his words in resolve. _It was a challenge…. He's challenging me…._

"Fine."

They shook on it. As House pulled away he waggled his brows a bit. "This whole pact thing kind of ruined the flow I was going for here."

Cuddy smiled. "I know." The two suddenly felt awkward around each other.

"So…"

Cuddy tapped her foot impatiently. "So…."

"Want to hear some music?"

Cuddy thought that was the best idea yet.

"Sure."

House headed over to the piano and sat down to play. Cuddy took a seat on the couch.

House stretched his fingers before touching the keys and let the melodies flow from their tips. Cuddy sat closing her eyes imagining herself warm, relaxed….no suspension to deal with, no Wilson clearly coming back to work well before he should have and no House….no House to interfere with her judgments about her work…no House to worry about destroying himself…no House…..Cuddy began to feel the rhythm of the music lull her to a fitful sleep. _No House…..what did life mean with no House?_

* * *

Cuddy realized she must have dozed off when she felt House gently shaking her.

"Hey, "he whispered. "Even without your gigantic ass I still don't think I can carry you to the bed."

Cuddy looked at him through narrowed slits. "If you're trying to be romantic you suck at it."

House smirked. "You aren't the first to tell me that."

Cuddy stood up wobbling as she stumbled into the bedroom with House right behind her.

He watched her as she collapsed onto the bed curling into her side and murmuring something in her sleep. House licked his lips. _Sleeping tonight will be interesting…._

* * *

He had stood and watched Cuddy sleep for about fifteen minutes before heading back to the living room. A part of him was eager to play but the other part wanted her….feared her…_I am afraid of my actions when I am around her…_

He was right. He was vulnerable. He had already said too much to her. He couldn't take it back. He couldn't make it better or send her away. Now he had to deal with it…all of it….and all over a few weak moments. The anger in him boiled over as he threw the nearest bottle against the wall. Whether it was emotional pain or physical his leg began to hurt. He reached into his pocket and pulled out two Vicodin. Swallowing hard he knew it would take the edge off….give him enough to know what to do next….As he thought a bit clearer _ironically enough_ he knew. _I am so screwed._

* * *

It must have been close to 2 am before he made his way to the bed, not able to indulge his insomnia anymore than he had. He watched his guest. She hadn't moved throughout the events in the living room. Dark curls fell about her face covering it from his sight. He smiled as he brushed them away from her eyes. _I don't know how to care for another….I can't take care of myself…._

He crawled in beside her and reached over to the nightstand and switched on his gameboy. _A little bit more …God she is so close….maybe I should try the couch …safer…._

His mind was going in a million directions. _Cuddy…Stacey….relationships and the_ _lack of them_. Anger at his recent transgressions and confessions….damning them all the while. _Humanity sucks_. He switched off the gamboy and lay down facing the wall. _If I can't see her… _

"About damn time you turned that thing off."

He rolled over and saw that sleeping beauty was more awake than he thought.

"I see my plan worked. I was trying desperately to wake you up."

Cuddy didn't find it quite so funny. She placed her hand over her ear propping herself on her elbow.

"Do you know what I've been thinking about for the past hour?"

House closed one eye and released his breath. "Me naked. I know that would wake anybody up."

Cuddy punched him hard in the arm. "No, you idiot. I'm being serious for once… can't you do the same?"

He looked at her but stayed silent. She sighed. _Maybe this is a bad idea… Really bad…."_

He watched her get up, not stopping her…._saying nothing_….

When she turned in her seated position leaning over in his face he couldn't help but grin. _A great view in her opened blouse she had fallen asleep in. Nice._

"Aren't you going to stop me? Fight for me? Show some kind of passion? You are …are…"

"What? Myself? Just because I open up to you in a moment of weakness does not mean I become a character from a romance novel. I won't fight for you or tell you what to do. You are a strong, passionate woman and that …that is what I like about you. "

She swept one strand of hair behind her ear and smiled briefly. "I thought about you being out of my life."

House's eyes widened as he blinked rapidly. "Not what I had in mind…"

"I thought, "She interrupted, "about how empty my life would be…how boring if you weren't' in it. In anyway, actually whether it is us not being colleagues…friends…lovers….I would have missed out on some fantastic opportunities." She leaned in a bit further seductively. "This being one of them."

He grinned. "I am always up for a booty call."

"Another thing." House rolled his eyes. _Here we go…._

"I will not be your Stacey, your booty call, hell I won't be your Wilson replacement. If you can't accept that then there's nothing else to say."

House looked into her eyes without a comment_. His eyes say it all._

"Finally you shut up."

With that, he kissed her.

**

* * *

**

I felt I had to have them get some foreplay in (bickering and all right?) Please review! I kept the crying down…more smiles…..love to hear what you have to say!! Thanks as always!!

.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**Disclaimer: I do not own House. Sorry I took so long. It has been a run of bad luck here so …I am back to it now. I decided to write glimpses of their passion to keep it rated Teen. I am debating on writing a missing scene for those who want details. If so, let me know and I will post it in mature section titled Missing Scene.**

* * *

They kissed. Passionate…daring…gentle. Sweet caresses eagerly turning hungry. Bodies intertwined, tangled, twisted, and erect in ecstasy. Smooth flesh embraced. fear dwelling in tenderness. Nothing held back in passion. Rough hands grasp smooth uniting in force as two tumble to the sheets. House arched his back in pleasure and pain. Cuddy responded with fervor. Her lips smooth and sweet nibbled his trailing to his neck and below. Soft moans escaped the room as the darkness enfolded.

* * *

House opened his blue eyes. Silence greeted him and aroused his senses. He felt the weight of another on his arm as his gaze was torn from the ceiling's weathered cracks to one of nature's most beautiful creatures. Her dark locks glistened with sweat reminiscent of last night's passion. Still naked, he found his hand caressing her breast in pure delight. He watched earnestly as her body reacted and her lisp released a soft moan. _Cuddy…_.He wished he could have lain all day with her in his arms, but that was not reality for anyone. He sighed heavily and got up carefully favoring his bad leg. He knew that he had pushed it last night and would be feeling it today. He couldn't; help grinning like a fool. _It was soooo worth it. _

* * *

House stood up from the bed and stretched. His naked body caught the glimpses of the sun peeking through the shade. He reached over to the nightstand where apparently his worn jeans had managed to make their way. He slid them on over a pair of clean boxers and went off to find a familiar t-shirt. With that done, he headed toward the living room to enter into the world of TV.

House had felt as if he was sitting for hours staring mindlessly at the set before him. Images flashed and colors captivated, but not enough to block the overwhelming pull of sleep. House yawned and stretched his arms over his head. _Guess I could get a bit more_ _shut eye._ He leaned his head back on the couch and fell asleep.

He opened his eyes when he heard a shuffle. It wasn't a usual sound…caught between half baked fantasies in a dream and the fragments of the reality in which he indulged in on a daily basis. Pulling his arms to his sides he drew straighter in his chair. Staring off before him was Amber. _I must be dreaming still…_

"Why did you get off the bus?"

House rubbed his eyes. _I am really tired of this game…_

"I don't know."

Amber repeated herself. "Why did you get off the bus?"

House rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed.

"Because you told me to."

Now it was Amber's turn to roll her eyes. "You never do anything anyone tells you to." She paused _perhaps for dramatic effect._

"Why did you get off the bus?"

House did not retort. He stared into her blue eyes as they coaxed him to reveal the truth.

"Because….I didn't want Wilson to hate me…."

Amber smiled slightly. She seemed relatively pleased with the answer, but House got the feeling that that was not the whole truth. "Go to him. Work it out"

House ran his hand over the back of his head nervously. "He …he doesn't want to see me."

Amber smiled. "He does"

House saw truth reflected in her eyes. He nodded.

She left him alone …for the moment anyway.

* * *

Cuddy awoke long after the sun had entered the room. She rolled over only to see the bed beside her was empty. She felt the sheets. They were cool to the touch. He must have been up for quite some time…

Cuddy got out of bed and began to search for her lover.

She ran a finger over the walls as she called House's name. A chill went through her body as she wrapped House's oversized shirt around herself. The place was empty. She sighed and headed toward the kitchen. As she went to open the fridge a note caught her eye.

Cuddy-

Went to see Wilson.

She read the note several times a small piece of her hoping that there was a secret message hidden with words of love and tenderness for the other night. Nothing. She knew she shouldn't expect it but a piece of her longed for it. She replaced the note back on the fridge caressing the words Familiar images entered her mind from the first time they had been together. Waking up alone with a simple note. She fought back the memories not wanting to relive that again. _This time would be different. It has to be._ Cuddy held onto that hope. _House and Wilson will be fine I hope for his sake_. She fingered the words again staring more intently on Wilson's name. _Maybe for his sake but I wonder about mine…. _

**

* * *

**

I know a bit short. Please review. Love to know your thoughts. Next up: House and Wilson …can the friendship be saved?


End file.
